Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Ugly Underbelly of Motherhood.

Ok, I'll admit, that title might be a bit dramatic.

As much as we all love being mothers though, let's be honest, there are parts of it that really stink and I'm not just talking
about when your kiddo poops in her sling and it explodes half way down your shirt while you're in the midst of the human maze that is Costco. That type of stink can at least be tediously wiped off, in a public restroom, one insanely un-absorbent napkin at a time and that odor is able to be semi-blown away by the complimentary restroom hand dryer you're now getting to second base with while a complete saint of a stranger offers to hold your naked baby in what will be the one of the most humanitarian acts of her life according to you.

But I digress, let's now take a look at the aspects of motherhood that will not be as temporary and by everyone's calculation, probably last for the next 18 years.

So here we go- Things that totally stink about Mommyhood-

#1)Contagious Junk Drawerism. We all have those drawers in our house where on any given day we can locate a plethora of coupons, scissors, Scrabble tiles, tweezers, missing buttons, flashlights, rubber bands, outlet covers, Mardi Gras beads, nursing pads-because you never know when they may come in handy again even though you haven't breastfed in over a year (still, don't throw those puppies out!), baby shoes you've meant to get bronzed or hot glue into a scrap book or whatever, receipts, kool-aid packs where the powder is now more of a solid fruit punch block, and MIA stove knobs. Sometimes I honestly begin to wonder if my family has secretly adopted a highway somewhere and is dumping all of the contents of its shoulder into my kitchen drawers.

Either way, the thing no one tells you before you become a mother is that this crap collecting compulsion spreads. Before you know it you'll be out at a fancy event with your husband when you reach into your purse for a business card and instead end up pulling out a bouncy ball that through the magic of a half sucked on lollipop is now syrup-titiously bonded to a tampon. "You know what, how about I just find you on Linked-In? Yeah, nice meeting you too Senator!"

A mother's purse is a junk drawer in disguise, as well as any subsequent diaper bags she may have. That is why the darn things are always so ridiculously huge, so now you know.

#2) Cutting Bangs. This is the generational curse my family carries, which when considering we are Scotch/Irish, I suppose to some, chronically crooked bang cutting is worse than crippling alcoholism, but the jury's still out on that one in my household.

My grandmother had this disease, as evidenced by this picture of my mom and aunts; those poor girls. And my mother also had this disease, but thanks to extensive hair counseling she was able to make better choices when raising me and as a child I was able to go through tedious amounts of Bang Growing Out therapy, others may know it as Barrette To The Side training. I was one of the lucky ones, though, and while it may have skipped a generation, my girls have not been able to escape the wrath no matter how hard I tried to curb my cutting urge.

They tell you in therapy that the best way to overcome this a disease is to never make that first cut, but sadly three weeks ago, after nearly 18 months of Eddie undergoing a rigorous form of Pebbles Flintstone therapy I made that first crooked cut. And, in a windstorm, she has a perfectly adorable bob/bang combo today.

#3) Baby outfits people give you at your shower with words on the butt. Let me begin by saying I do not know when this fashion became acceptable but in the DeLaRosa house it's getting shut down. I am aware that a majority of the time that which lies below my daughter's velour covered and pamper laden booty is juicy, thank you very much, but the last thing I want to do is advertise such an unlovely gift from nature to everyone at the playground. They're all smart people; they can figure that one out for themselves.

So sorry, Mimi, PawPaw and Auntie Evelyn, the best you're going to get is a quick, staged pic of her in that outfit before I re-gift it next week to that poor unsuspecting preggo from MOPS. Baby pants with words on the butt are the new proverbial fruitcake.

#4) The asinine things your children force you to holler out while you are on an important phone call. Some examples are:

"That better be chocolate!"
"No! Only mommies can feed their human babies that way! Put. The. Turtle. Down. NOW!"
"Did you pee or is that just water? Either way don't sit on anything"
"No, you're not your brother's 'boyfriend.' You're his 'girlfriend.' No wait! You're his sister, and his friend, so you're his sisterfriend! Bottom line, you're too young to be anyone's boyfriend!"
"Do you see wings? Then, no, she can't fly. Get her down now!"

Usually these outbursts are followed by snickering on the other end of the line, which is precisely what you what when to hear when filing a complaint with the phone company, scheduling an appointment with your gynecologist's office, or giving a live radio interview.

While all of these loathsome moments of motherhood seem relentlessly annoying now, I find respite in the fact that one day I know I will look back at the pictures of my crooked banged children who have lollipops stuck to their velour butts and laugh wildly. Then I will subsequently pay for full-page ads in their senior yearbook and submit congratulatory wishes alongside said picture. Revenge can be sticky lollipop sweet sometimes. ☺