Monday, July 7, 2008

Cease and Desist

Anyone who knows my husband knows that he has many "adorable quirks" we'll call them. One of my favorites in particular I have lovingly coined his 'cease and desist maneuver.'

I was warned about it even before we were married by my sister-in-law. She was telling this story about a time when they were in Chicago on a subway together and suddenly she became incredibly ill. And before she knew what hit her she was actually vomiting all over the floor. In a dazed stupor she looked around, expecting to see her valiant, older brother rushing to her side, but he was no where to be found. As it turns out, the second she became sick, Abrahm took off, and was more than likely three cars down by the time she needed her hair held back.

It was not until years later that I was able to witness this seemingly involuntarily reaction first hand. We were enjoying a nice, sunny day at Herman Memorial park in Houston when we decided to stop and get some snow cones with our son. While in line I notice quite a few bees that were swarming the syrup bottles, and subsequently any guests who were taking away syrup soaked cones. Being the planner I am, I decided to stock up on a ridiculous amount of napkins before leaving the cart. I know, not very 'green' of me. Either way as we're walking along enjoying our snack I noticed a man in front of us pushing a baby stroller. He was fairly tall, wearing dark sunglasses, a black shirt and black athletic shorts. Suddenly he turns around and says "hey, let me have a napkin." I thought, 'wow, that's a bit forward, but ok, I know I did take more than my fair share,' and just as I went to extent my arm and offer him a portion of my stack I see his wife doing the same thing out of the corner of my eye. Immediately I realize what a public fool I've made of myself, obviously he was not talking to me, and as I turn to share my burden of embarrassment with Abrahm I notice he had grabbed our son's hand and they must've been a good 15 yards away already! Had he seen this man's wife, known precisely who he was talking to, and watched the whole train wreck take place without warning me?!?!? Needless to say I have my own involuntarily physical reactions to embarrassingly, hilarious moments like this one, and literally had to collapse on the ground in a seated position not to give way to my incontinence.

After a few more uneventful years past, I thought to myself perhaps he's been cured, perhaps those were just a few isolated incidents. Surely he would not ever do something like that again to his beloved wife and now the mother of three of his children by this point. But no, the truth was quickly revealed as we took our daughter to her very first outing at the movies.

We were sitting in packed row as Abrahm passed me a ridiculously large barrel of popcorn. I took a handful I passed it back but it was intercepted by our 2 year old daughter. After a few seconds of humoring her and allowing her to feel like a 'big girl' he mouthed to me that letting her hold the bucket, which was as big as she was, probably wasn't the best idea. I agreed and went to retrieve it. And just as I began to lower the bucket into my lap for some strange reason I thought I should uncross my legs at precisely the same moment. I swear, just like you see it happen on T.V. this barrel of popcorn went hurling into the air, making two to three full rotations before landing upside down on the woman's head in front of me.

Now as someone who makes an ass out of myself quite regularly, I have learned to appreciate certain moments in my life more than fear them. I immediately knew of ten people who I could relay this story to while they were drinking a beverage and liquid would literally spray out of their nose. Which any story teller knows is the pentacle of success when telling a funny story.

What made this whole scene even better was the woman had insanely curly hair and every time she thought she had retrieved all of the kernels, I had to hold back bursts of laughter and tell her there was still more debris left behind. I'm quite sure that she thought I either had a mental illness or I had done this on purpose, because certainly a decent human being would feel far too guilty to laugh at a time like this. But honestly, the root of all my joy came from the fact that I knew Abrahm was hopelessly, and completely trapped. Our row was filled to capacity and there was no swift escape in sight this time baby. The desisting had least for now.

I'm sure before I give this speech again at our 50th wedding anniversary I will have had plenty more opportunities to scare off my wonderful husband and shame him endlessly into the sunset.

No comments: