Vices: Which Is Worse; Vanity or Apollonia?

Lately it has come to my attention that I have a real problem with vanity. Not in the sense that I always want to look, pretty, or sexy, or even attractive at all, but in trying to uphold this high standard of modesty that I've set for myself I have begun to really obsess about everything from my clothes to my shoes. It's not unusual for me to go through 2-3 outfits before going out until I find just the right one that's not too attention grabbing. And I guess that's the point; more than just the modesty alone, I've noticed that I use clothes as a way to define myself.

The other night in our small group the discussion turned towards women overseas who wear burkas and it was interesting to see how five middle class, caucasian, Americans felt about this issue. In the beginning was a feeling of pity; 'these poor women being forced to dress like this'. But after a few prodding comments the group began to realize that perhaps we are the prisoners. This concept has really stuck with me. I know that I am a prisoner of my own vanity; my own concept of modesty. In an attempt to go unnoticed and simplify my problems I've become obsessed with my appearance. I feel that I should also clarify, when I say modesty, I am not implying that I choose this based on anyone else's temptations. I am not upholding this belief because I am protecting a man from my super desirable womenlicious powers or anything, no; a man's need for self control is his own battle. I choose to maintain my modesty out of respect for myself; why should I give away beauty that belongs to me? Either way, once this idea really started weighing on me I realized, I recognize this feeling. First God showed me this form of idolatry with my possessions, and I broke away from that. Now he is showing me the strongholds that my clothing has over me.

I've decided that I'm going to start wearing Kurtas; simplify my life a little, and break free from this prison of vanity. I know what you're thinking.....I'm one manifesto short of starting my own cult. And to that I say, 'you thirsty'?

Whore-dom in Ho-sea!

I understand the book of Hosea; I see the symbolism; I even get God's motives. But what I didn't expect on my journey through the OT was how upset it was going to make me at the church. Not necessarily my current church but definitely the churches I grew up in and really organized religion in general...in Texas.

It's odd because you would think that all they preach in the bible belt is fire and brimstone, when in actuality, the opposite is true. I go to a "seeker sensitive" church and they preach accordingly; pretty basic, humorous, entertaining stuff. But aside from the Saturday night service, nothing too heavy. Fair enough, I knew that going in. On the other hand, the church I grew up in was a small Baptised church. If anybody knows OT God, it's these guys!...Now I say OT God obviously in jest; I do know OT and NT God are one in the same, but come on, there are huge behavioral differences there.

Now where I think that modern day Christian churches drop the ball *points to invisible seminary degree that gives me the right to make comments like this* is they constantly dumb down the Bible. They want us all to love and worship long haired, flip flop wearing, Caucasian friendly-light skinned Jesus so they teach us all about his Grace and Mercy. The only problem is they often stop short of teaching us about his wrath and judgement. THIS IS ALL THE SAME GOD. And then what are you left with? A spiritually retarded twenty-three year old, who when she explores the Bible on her own, cannot correlate OT God with NT God.

I know you cannot win people over by quoting Hosea 13:16 to them, and I acknowledge that it does serve a very significant purpose in the Bible; it was put in there to make a powerful point about the on going spiritual adultery of Isreal on God, but you have to show that side of things to your congregation, too. Otherwise they will find it one day while playing Bible roulette and be completely terrified. We need to be equipped to handle the Old Testament. I am not. And I think if I were not 'almost brainwashed' from such a young age with exclusive teachings on Love, Mercy, and rainbows I could handle it. If some OT truths were sprinkled through out my formative Sunday school years I would be better prepared now to face these biblical realities. Ok, I'm finished. By the way that reminds me, does anyone have the kid friendly curriculum on Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot's daughters, and Drunk Noah that I could borrow?

Today...

Today somebody woke up ready to face their day.
Today somebody hurried through their Tuesday 'to do' list; grabbed lunch on the go, and rushed off to fit in some of tomorrows chores.
Today somebody counted down the minutes on the clock, ready to race home, make dinner, and then watch their favorite show.
Today somebody was shot.
Today somebody got a phone call that would change their life forever.
Tonight somebody will be planning a funeral instead of watching t.v.

We're often told that tomorrow isn't promised and to live everyday as if it were your last. But what if tomorrow were promised....for you.

Today I am not questioning my own mortality; I am at peace with that.
What I am not at peace with is losing one of my children.

Losing someone that you love is the worst feeling in the world. You suffocate. You wish for the escape that death would bring; you beg for it. No matter how at peace you are with where that person is, you will never see them again and that is final. You have no say in it; no amount of bargaining will ever bring them back.

Two and a half years ago I lost my counterpart. Today, the women who received his kidney lost her son. His name was Orlando and he was shot. I can't help but think that when she got her kidney transplant and learned it came from an 18 year old boy; somebodies son, she must have cherished Orlando; hugging him tightly and thinking 'I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you...'; and today she did. My heart is truly breaking for her. My prayer don't seem strong enough.

It's Time To Class Up The Waffle Haus...

Since I have no new and original thoughts for today I figured I would post an old blog that I wrote back when I had a MY-we love to demean women in all of our sexually objectifying advertisement-SPACE account; enjoy:

So this weekend I'm at the waffle house with my son, and it was only our second time to go there so I'm still a little unfamiliar with the rules and etiquette. But either way we are sitting there enjoying our chocolate chip waffles when this creepy, and I mean hitchhiker/serial killer/hillbilly truck driver walks in and sit down a seat away from Aiden. I usually give people a minute or two before I outright judge them based on their appearance, so he waves at Aiden and we say good morning, and then he asks the waiter if it's 'no smoking Sunday' again. The waiter told him that there's kids in here, and the guy says "people ain't got no business bringing there kids in here". Excuse me??? I didn't realize this was the Legs & Eggs buffet!

Ok, so I do understand that waffle house is the Mecca of truck driver breakfast dives but when you have to pass a Sam's Club and T.J. Maxx to get there...in the heart of Plano, I don't think it's the same one your grandpa used to take ya to. Well, either way the guy starts getting really angry, mumbles to himself, and then just gets up and storms out. As soon as he leaves Aiden asks me if that guy was mad at him and I had to explain to him that the guy was just a jerk.
But here's the deal, it REALLY ticked me off because even if there wasn't a kid in the whole joint can you really not go with out pumping nicotine into your body for 20 minutes, REEAAALLLY?!?!?! I, as you can tell, am not a smoker and it grosses me out to try to eat when I have a nose full of smoke. Smoke before you come in; smoke after you leave. Is it really that big of an inconvenience to not have a freaking cigarette in your mouth to flavor your hash browns!
My husband, who I'm convince just like to argue with me, was completely defending the sanctity of Waffle House and all of its timeless values. But how about this, sometimes that chocolate chip waffle goodness gives me gas. Would it be acceptable for me to sit around farting in The Waffle House? I would think not. And the only difference is: what I'm doing is actually healthy! Any habit that YOU have that effects an 8 foot radius around you is not only YOUR habit. You are forcing me to smoke your nasty cigarette too, so you just wait. Now since I do not possess the skill of being able to expel gas on command I told Abrahm that next time we go we're bringing his fart machine and if we get seated next to a chain smoker we're firing that puppy up. He told me to shut up and go back to IHOP because I'm not gansta enough to hang at Waffle House.....or gas station/Subways. Lame. I love my husband so much.

Hawaiian Falls

My Eiffelberry.

We're Beached.
Hayden Pees In The Pool.

Where's Julie In All These Pictures???

We had such a blast at Hawaiian Falls today!

I'm So Thick Headed Some Times...

Yesterday was a particularly tiring day for me. Eiffel is fully experiencing her 'oneness' and it is wearing me out! What bothers me the most though, is when I express my frustrations to Abrahm and instead of him just comforting me he tries to 'fix' the problem. We ended up in an argument and he was telling me that it's hard for him to work so hard everyday so that I can stay at home just to be miserable. The thing is, I'm not! I love getting to stay home with Eif and I realize how blessed I am to have this opportunity but that doesn't mean that it's always easy. And when he has tough days at work I don't tell him to quit his job, I let him vent to me, ya know? I guess that's all I was looking for, and I didn't get it.

I had to get away; away from this place; away from the smell of baby; away from these two angelically sleeping kiddoes who I could hardly believe were such spazzes just hours prior. So I went to Wal-mart. That says a lot right there. Who goes to Wal-mart in an attempt to escape chaos? What happened next was such a "God thing" that I couldn't help but laugh.

I ended up running into an old friend from high school. He looked great on the outside but as I began to talk to him I realized he was a mess on the inside. He's only 23 and going through a divorce. His wife had cheated on him and now the fate of their 4 year old son was lying in the balance. I told him of my own experience and before I knew it God was really using me to give him hope. I told him that you can only be as happy as you allow yourself to be and this issue isn't insurmountable; I'm proof of that. While my husband does happen to be a saint, I still know through Christ all things are possible. What Abrahm and I went through ended up being such a sick, twisted blessing in disguise. It was the final straw in our relationship and it made us turn from a world-centered marriage to a God-centered marriage. If we had not survived my affair I honestly don't know that we would be where we are today. It allowed me to REALLY understand God's grace and mercy, along with showing me what kind of amazing (that word doesn't even do him justice) man of God my husband really is. So long story short, after about half an hour of sharing with this guy I realized that I was the one who came out of that conversation blessed. The anger in my heart towards Abrahm had been abundantly replaced with the deep, deep love and appreciation that I have for him. So good job God; point taken; lesson learned.

*On a side note, while in Wal-mart I found some disturbing merchandise. Read more about it at:
http://www.newwavefemmes.com/id2.html

Love/Dependence

It seems like everyday my love for Eiffel grows stronger. I care for her, nurture her, and love her unconditionally. She can hug me now; she even gives sloppy kisses, but at the ripe old age of one I realize that she depends on me; she doesn't love me. While I know this deep mother/daughter bond will eventually grow into love , right now I can acknowledge it for what it is and simply relate it to my own spiritual walk with God.

I am so blessed by what He teaches me through my children. While I strive to love him everyday, live my life for him, and please him with my actions I know that I can barely begin to repay the love he has for me...for all of us. I will love Eiffel and Aiden forever, no matter what they do or don't do, and that love will never cease or waiver. It will be the one worldly truth they can always count on and take comfort in. I could not image my life without that same foundational belief in God, and I can't wait to explain that unimaginable love to my children.

So when does dependency morph into love? Is it stronger when one comes before the other?